Feeling out of it

[Ariel]

Yeah, so I'm feeling pretty wonky right now. Confused, closed, and I have no idea. In the past, I've had some of my greatest highs after going through a period of darkness, so that offers a glimmer of hope, but nothing is certain...

I have no idea who I am. I have no idea what's true. I've got memories, past realizations, concepts based on stuff I've read. I've been clinging to that past stuff as if it was my now truth, but I now feel like all of that is so hollow and ancient.

It's like I'm losing all my past knowledge and experience. It feels like it was so important, but I'm seeing that it's not at all.

The mind feels like it's going nowhere because everything I say, I can see the opposite being just as valid.

Going to the mind seems to be retarded idea. It's like coming to a fork in the road and asking someone for directions, someone who really doesn't know and either guesses or tells you you should go in BOTH directions.

It feels like everything I've learned up to know is practically irrelevant. I really thought it was valuable. It is in the sense that it was a stepping stone for then, but I gotta let it all go now.

No more clinging to anything that was true for me in the past.

Right now, I honestly have no idea what's true. I have no idea what I am. I have no idea wtf's going on. Just cloudiness.

What's true for me now? I have no idea.

[CaterpillarWoman]

Wow, how encouraging! Just let it go, totally. I find that when you're in a state of disorientation, the best thing you can do is just let yourself be disoriented. When you try to find a logical or practical "handhold", so to speak, you tend to drag yourself back into your ego-self (at least I do, and from what I've been reading, this is a really common thing).

Just put your hands in the air like you just don't care and let it all go. Whee!

For what it's worth, I was extremely disoriented just a couple days ago, and the approach I took is exactly the one I just advised, and it has been wonderful, though it was, well, disorienting for a while. Now, though, it's bliss, joy, and love so powerful I've had to adjust my heart to allow it to flow out, because I couldn't contain it all. Tomorrow (or two seconds from now) who knows where I'll be or what I'll be feeling, of course, but for now, I'll share this love and joy and bliss with you and you can just ride the disorientation freefall and see where you land.

[Ariel]

Your post is chocked full of WIN!

[Jonas]

Haha, in my last period of existensial crisis, me and a friend ended up walking around the city, singing out our frustrations. I even knelt down before a church, pleading to God to guide me back to wisdom, letting out the whole "Why hast thou forsaken me?" feeling. I have no idea if it helped, or how to get out of these spiritual downturns. I just know it always goes back up again, and that I will probably realize later that I learned something. I'd give you my best advice on these types of situations, but I got it from you

"Could you let go of trying to change that?"

[John A.]

Hi Ariel,

In my opinion, it takes a great deal of commitment to the truth to see and admit times when you feel confused, lost or that your cup is empty.

How much further along are you than if you couldn't?

[Ariel]

I am so grateful to all of you for being here with me and for your support and encouragement. You guys really mean a lot to me and I genuinely appreciate your warmth. Thank you for your part in me allowing myself the gift of receiving such wonderful love.

I feel like there's literally nothing for me to do anymore... Just let go and allow whatever happens to happen.

Allow.

It almost feels like a rocket ship which has been working really hard to blast off away from the earth's gravitational pull. This has been a successful strategy up to now. Now I gotta let go of all my effort and just let go. There's the risk that I'll fall back to earth, sure, but intuitively it feels like if I let go, I'll just finally float off away free from the pull of the earth's gravity.

This experience is not under the control of my effort. It's really just a matter of surrendering, being still, and allowing as fully and deeply as I possibly can. The transformations will happen on their own accord. It's not to say that I'm the victim of some power outside myself or that I'm not the creator of my reality, but a sort of letting go into a deeper knowing of myself beyond the action-centered "me" that does.

I feel like my life is destined for great things. Truly. There's a sense of wanting to unwrap my gift early and find out what's gonna happen, yet there's also a surrendering into allowing everything to happen in is own perfect time.

It's amazing how much stuff is falling away. Not just "me," but a sense of center, insecurities, fear, the movement to accomplish anything or arrive at a destination, fear of judgment or approval of others...

Perhaps I'll talk about this some other time. For now, my life is fast becoming unconditional and continuous surrender to what is.

Stillness, silence, and imperturbability. My ego still gets hit from time to time, and I instantly recognize it for what it is and allow it to be let go, accepted and dissolved in awareness and love.

What happens happens.

God, thy will be done.

[jeffusu]

Alright Ariel!! I don't know much, but as far as I can tell you're doing awesome. You've helped me out so much, man I can't even describe it. Just having someone around "my age" who's a few steps (or leaps ) ahead of me describing the way has been monumental. Thanks for everything

I feel like my life is destined for great things. Truly. There's a sense of wanting to unwrap my gift early and find out what's gonna happen, yet there's also a surrendering into allowing everything to happen in is own perfect time.

I feel like this too, but I get scared. I don't feel like I'm ready, or I feel like I have to "make it happen" as if I'm not going fast enough. Just the next layer to be released and surrendered I guess. That quote just hit me deep.

Rock on my man

[scarface]

The mind feels like it's going nowhere because everything I say, I can see the opposite being just as valid.
It feels like everything I've learned up to know is practically irrelevant. I really thought it was valuable. It is in the sense that it was a stepping stone for then, but I gotta let it all go now.
No more clinging to anything that was true for me in the past.

how to get out of these spiritual downturns. I just know it always goes back up again, and that I will probably realize later that I learned something.

I feel like there's literally nothing for me to do anymore... Just let go and allow whatever happens to happen.

The view I have come to, about the periods of confusion is this.

To me periods of confusion mean that a conflict between the various concepts, believes and opinions has build up (in the mind and body). These conflicts had arisen in me because the various concepts I had taken on to be truth for me, conflict with each other. These times of confusion to me felt like internal chaos.
I also saw that I tended to solve this chaos by changing the concepts so they were in line with each other again. And so after I had done that, the confusion was gone for then. And so there was internal order again. Therefore in my view Chaos/confusion is a chance for a greater level of internal order.
Which is also what most of you who have posted experienced before, chaos/confusion leading to a greater level of internal order then before.

So I had solved the chaos, but I found myself some time later in confusion again, because the various concepts were in conflict with each other again. I saw this for me to be a continuous process, from internal order to chaos/confusion back to internal order again and after some time back to chaos/confusion again and so on.

So I asked myself: 'How come that one moment I have order and 'truth' seems clear to me, and some time later there is internal conflict about it?´. For me the answer I came to was, because I receive recondition and therefore new concepts and believes every day, which also largely plays at an unconscious level. So I came for myself to the conclusion that the movement from internal order to chaos/confusion and back to internal order again is part of the natural flow of life.

I for myself haven’t experienced this confusion for quite some time now, because it so happened that I don’t identify myself with concepts, believes (much) anymore. Because I see them to not be truth, or more true as the opposite. Therefore I noticed that I am merely witnessing the reconditioning and new concepts I receive taking place. The internal disorder or conflict taking place between the various concepts, I also witness taking place nowadays. But confusion I noticed isn’t there anymore because I haven’t identified myself with the concepts anymore.
Because as I see it is that all concepts are not the truth, yet are true and false at the same time. And something that is true and false at the same time (all concepts), can’t be truth or more truth in my view.
I came to this because I only wanted to identify myself with (the) truth. Which has left me ultimately with nothing, not one concept I had I noticed I could call truth.
So yeah I totally agree with the solution Ariel has come to for himself, Acceptance and just letting the process take place.

I hope my vioew can help some. And good luck with solving the confusion/disorder. Bye scarface.

[Lissa]

I have alot of this confusion too!

I think it is normal and I find that when I am at peace with everything the truth eventually shines through!

Hugs to you friend...you are gonna pull through!

[Lee]

The way of love is not a subtle argument.
The door there is devastation.
Birds make great sky-circles of their freedom.
How do they learn it?
They fall, and falling, they're given wings.

Rumi