This is sooooo not what I thought it would be or what I was expecting it to be, this whole awakening thing.
It feels like I’m being wiped out, deleted, cleansed away, the little “me” anyways. I’m not completely done by any stretch of the imagination, but rather right in the midst of the process.
Everything I was doing that was so important, it’s all falling away.
I used to seek all the time, and that’s falling away. Who am I when I’m no longer motivated by needing to figure things out?
I used to try to wrap my mind around stuff, but that’s falling away. Who am I without understanding?
If I’m not using my mind to know what to do, how can I fully trust that I’ll know what to do regardless? Who am I when I begin to rely on the mysterious invisible ever-present knowingness rather than the power of my own mind, the way people have done for thousands of years?
I used to derive a sense of self-worth by being able to prove myself and my understandings to others, but that feels like a pointless game when Reality is simply something that must be experienced. Who am I when I no longer need to prove anything to anyone, even myself?
I used to think there were multiple things that could be separate and yet somehow connected, or one thing which people could point to and call God, but now I’m finding there is no thing that can even be pointed to in the first place. Who am I if there is nothing? Not the mind’s understanding of nothingness as if it was some blank empty space devoid of color and shape, but a holographic existence with no things…
I used to define myself by my roles and personality, but there is no one home to identify with any of those things in the first place. Who am I without a sense of self who can identify with anything?
There’s nothing left to figure out, only more to become conscious of. What do I do when I’m no longer trying to figure things out? (or right now, at least without as strong of a pull)
and how can it be that this feels so much more natural than the effortful existence of before?
It’s such a wonky transitional place to be in, different and beyond what I’m used to, yet still perfectly natural.
The whiz-bang awakening experiences of WHOAAAA, THIS IS WHO I AM!? seem to be settling down and there’s a falling/surrendering into the stillness. I’ve heard it called “the honeymoon of awakening” and that’s a wonderful description of it.
To be perfectly honest, I have absolutely no idea if I’m even enlightened… and strangely enough, it doesn’t matter! Why don’t I know? Because there is no one to be enlightened, no one to try to be enlightened, no one to wonder if so-and-so is enlightened at all. It’s just pure conscious existence with no identity.
What is is sooooo simple that it’s so easy to overlook, despite the fact that it’s right there, staring you in the face. It’s what’s doing the staring. The consciousness/awareness/beingness with no identity and no sense of self. It’s so obvious that it’s almost too easy to overlook due to its simplicity. Beingness itself feels totally normal.
There’s a nameless formless consciousness which moves all of life, but there is no one there to do any of it. There is no one inside of a person. There is just the movement of life itself, and the resistance to that which people call “personal will.”
Nothing is being gained by awakening, for you already are everything and thus it’s impossible to gain anything. Rather, I’m being stripped away of all that I am not and never was, despite the fact that paradoxically, I am everything. As confusing as that is to the mind, it makes perfect sense within and is somehow inexplicably totally obvious.
Adyashanti talks about ending here in this video, and about halfway through the video he says the following:
Everything is beginning and ending and yet there is that which is neither beginning nor ending.
Anything that arises will fall away. Everything that arises will fall away. Everything.
Some things you really want to fall away will fall away.
In fact, things have fallen away that.. you still haven’t come to grips with the fact that they’ve fallen away!
Blammo! That last line totally cracked me up because that perfectly reflects my current experience.
All that’s left is to surrender ALL experiences, including the experience of awakening, the experience of reading or writing this post, the thought of if this is true or that is true… everything is surrendered the moment it arises and there’s nothing left to cling to. NOTHING.
Awakening is not the end of the spiritual journey, but the beginning.. yet it is beyond all beginning and ending…
Adyashanti and Loch Kelly talk about “The Journey After Awakening” together in this video:
What’s particularly interesting to me is how they talk about awakening starting to settle in as it awakens from mind into the emotional center. When this happens, you begin to experience unity from not only the state of mind, but also from the place of emotion. I’ve just begun looking into this the past day or so, and have begun posting about it on the forums. I would love for you to come in and share your ideas and perspective, by the way!
In the video above, the discussion halfway through about the unconditional and impersonal yet absolutely intimate love was particularly fascinating.
I’m so glad that there’s more to awakening because I’m definitely not yet feeling the superbliss/love/ecstacy/satchidananda and without that, awakening seems like somewhat of a letdown.
Sooo glad about this. It’s a tremendous relief… Phew!
My gut says that the impersonalness is actually okay, despite the protests of the mind. What’s necessary is to drop down into and awaken the heart so that it can manifest and express itself as all forms of love, personal and impersonal.
Boy oh boy…