Something that seems to be developing over the last week or so is the progressive shutting down of the mind. Not that it’s somehow damaged and broken, but it seems trying to access thoughts and memories feels a lot like trying to crank an engine that just won’t start. There’s the attempted whirring of the engine, but this mind just doesn’t work the old way anymore.
I was at an event today and we were supposed to think of a memory that shaped our lives, and I just couldn’t get this mind to think of anything. (Assuming the “me” is the personality, I guess…)
Anyways, you know all those grudges and resentments that we carry around? Those are all falling away on their own. (Thank God.. heh)
But it’s not just the “bad” stuff that’s falling away. The “good” things are going too, though there’s no attachment to them as if I’ll somehow be less without my old good memories. They’re all just dropping away too.
What’s becoming increasingly prevalent in the wake of disintegrating thought is simply this moment, this present moment, and the energy arising in this moment.
If there’s resistance to this moment and a desire to somehow flee and get away from what’s arising, there’s a sort of discomfort and dis-ease. There’s a knot in this stomach.
On the other hand, when I recognize that I am here projecting this consciousness into this physical reality in order to EXPERIENCE the energies that simply aren’t available in the non-physical, when I ALLOW myself to experience whatever is arising, good OR bad, it’s like the energies simply dissolve just like that.
Through non-resistance, the energies present now dissolve now.
A lasting resentment, or what some people would call a grudge being held from something in the “past” actually has NOTHING to do with the past. There is no past. The energy now is present simply because it keeps being created and recreated Now Now Now and Now. As soon as it’s experienced fully, without judgment or resistance, but fully embraced and experienced in all its juiciness, it fades.
It’s the fear of experiencing and the running from the experience that causes emotional pain and suffering.
All there is is Here. All there is is Now.
There are a variety of energies arising Here and Now, and the “best” (if we can use that word) way it seems to handle the present moment is to simply allow it to be as it is, without resistance, and without trying to spin it around in the mind in any way.
No labeling, no understanding, no fixing, no changing, none of that… Just this moment. This is it.
In a way, it’s kinda like developing a sense of amnesia, without the sense of debilitation. What you need to know, you somehow just know. What you don’t need to know, you don’t know. So it’s not about turning into a mindless vegetable, but in having the mind go still, allowing for a deeper vehicle to awaken. Some knowingness may be memory, sure, but there is a source of wisdom beyond the mind that is opening up as well.
This isn’t some sort of technique to quiet my mind or stop the mind. If anything, it’s just happening and I’m here noticing it. In fact I’m having trouble using this mind even when I want to.
And it’s okay! It’s perfectly okay! There’s resistance arising from what’s left of the mind as it’s losing its former leadership role in my life, yet simultaneously there is a mysterious sense of freedom and lightness that is arising. It is the freedom of going beyond mind, of not being constantly at the effect of it emotionally, and in the resting in being, being that is beyond mind altogether.
I could say it’s quite beautiful in a strange sort of way, but really it’s not in that it simply can not be described by any word in duality, good or bad. It’s not any word you can think of. It just is what it is.
It’s not an emotional state. It’s not happiness. It’s not sadness. It’s somehow devoid of all of that. It’s empty. It’s not even something that would be considered desirable in a traditional sense for there’s nothing to “gain” from this. If anything it seems like a huge loss. It’s being flushed out. It is nothing.
I want to add a quick addendum based on feedback I’ve been getting from this post.
First and foremost, what I’ve described above IS NOT NECESSARY in order for one to awaken. You could be totally awake and have your mind talking just as much as before, and yet you’d still be awake.
Look out for the false notion that this exact experience (or any other experience for that matter) has to happen to you as well in order for you to get wherever you’re trying to go. No no, this is just one of the many ways that the superficial level of experience can arise within the domain of being.
Everything changes, and this mental stage is not it. It too is just another passing feather in the wind, and yet I remain.