The Rawness of Life

Okay, so just a little jibber jabbering. I figured this whole “go out and live the life of your dreams” thing was gonna be a big epic adventure, and in a way it is, but honestly that seems to be a bit idealistic. People keep saying “Oh man! That’s so amazing what you’re doing! It looks so cool and so fun!” and yeah, I suppose it looks that way from the outside. At times it is, for sure, but perhaps the best word I can think of to describe it is RAW.

It’s not so much about experiencing life as I’m finding out, but experiencing YOURSELF. It’s basically about coming out of hiding and being more honest with myself and authentic than I’ve ever been…

Hypocrisy

It’s so funny to just watch this stuff happen. For example, I’m watching myself become a huge hypocrite. Things that I’ve given people crap about before I now watch myself do. It’s SO true that what you resist persists. I remember saying, “Oh, you don’t have to go meditate on a mountain to find God. You can find him anywhere! He’s everywhere!” and then I go march off to a mountaintop. In so doing, I’m  actually starting to see WHY people go do such a thing. There’s a reason that many spiritual places like Tibet are at elevation… there’s something special about the altitude and what it does to the human body. The silence and the intimacy with nature is pretty fantastic as well, for sure.

After it Manifests, So What?

Both my desires and my fears are manifesting like crazy and in the middle I’m finding that a) the experience of what I desired isn’t all they’re cracked up to be and b) the experience of what I feared isn’t as bad as I thought it’d be. It’s like the extremes between the joy of desire and the fear of fear are starting to come closer together and I’m starting to find the happy medium in the middle as being more valuable than the polar opposites of what I want and what I don’t want.

Is it still a manifestation of victim consciousness to sit back and not take creative “control” of your state of being? Maybe. I dunno. Learning to allow is a BIG part of the equation as well. It’s not all about controlling every step of the process, which seems to be a big misunderstanding about the LoA.

How Much Do You REALLY Know?

This experience seems to be about embodying that which I have learned or have realized. I’m seeing the extent to which I’ve been bullshitting myself, how much I thought that I got that I really don’t. Yeah, when you see that and you stop running, whew boy…

When you get the ego hits, it really helps to again disidentify from it. When you feel it’s YOU that slipped and fell flat on his face, when your follies and mistakes are taken personally, it’s a tough pill to swallow. When you can step back as awareness and see that it’s just egoic conditioning that’s being brought to the light of awareness and that it’s not YOU you’re seeing, it makes it SO much easier to let go and release.

YOU have never made a mistake. YOU have never really done anything in your life. You only think you do…

Coming Face to Face with Emotions

Matt Kahn just posted an excellent bit on facebook called The Truth about Feelings. (I think you have to be a facebook member to read that link. Not sure if you have to be his friend too.) In that article, he points out the difference between experiencing feelings directly versus experiencing what you think about the feeling. BIG DIFFERENCE. As he describes, it’s like being a child who’s curious as to what it’s like to experience a feeling and feel what it’s like without all the preconceived notions and judgments as to what is good, bad, acceptable, unacceptable, or otherwise. It’s a far more pure and defenseless experience.

The past day or so I’ve been experiencing this sort of knot in my stomach and have been spending time just feeling it without trying to change it or do anything about it at all. Just really EXPERIENCE LIFE and all that is arising as it is in this moment. One could say, “Why would you sit there feeling bad when you can just reach for a better feeling thought and feel better now?” and this is a question I have been asking myself as well. My response to that excellent question is that there seems to be a difference between having your mind take the lead and having your heart and soul take the lead. When your whole life is based around reaching for better feeling thoughts, life becomes very mental, and to be honest I’m already overly mental… What I’ve discovered is that when you go within and connect to your heart and soul, they are MUCH better guides than the mind ever could be AND the energy of your light starts to penetrate into your mind and transform it. Then your thoughts take their cue from your inner being, rather than your mind constantly trying to be the one in charge. I’m certainly not a master at this yet by any means, but I definitely prefer this path right now.

More “Pieces” to Non-abiding Awakenings

Speaking of links to share, Sarojini recently posted a fantastic article on The Stages of Awakening. I’ve seen a number of teachers post such descriptions before, but this is perhaps the description I’ve read in that REALLY matches what I’ve experienced and what I’ve seen in others. What others have written may certainly be valid in their own experience, but this is what’s been the case here.

Peace

Yeah, it’s been very chaotic lately. Perhaps you can tell. I’ve found it very challenging lately to simply sit down and SHUT UP. It’s very rewarding when I can for short periods of time and I know it’s necessary, but that’s one of the big dust storms my own ego has been kicking up lately. Alright, time to go turn the computer off, be quiet, and sit with all this swirling stuff within and face even more of my own stuff for myself, for my own sake. I could use some silence and stillness right now, even if all the action and opportunities sound much more enticing to my ego…

Buh bye now!