Posts Tagged ‘Personal Experiences’
There are times when energetically you may feel drained, exhausted, empty, and essentially unable to give. I don’t mean being empty in the sense of recognizing there is no self, but empty as in feeling spiritually fatigued.
I know I am going through such a period now. I have really nothing to offer you guys. I have basically nothing to teach or give. I myself am running on empty and there is no overflow from which to offer my gifts. I even feel somewhat cut off from my inner source of wisdom so even if I wanted to say something wise, it feels as though I am unable to access that source of wisdom. And so it is.
Interestingly enough, it seems as though this is a common theme happening among many lightworkers right now. Albert of UrbanMonk.net, for example, recently posted a status update that is along these same lines.
Mary, a friend of mine, recently introduced me to Karen Bishop of Emerging Earth Angels. Karen is an intuitive who, from what I understand according to her website, has the ability to telepathically travel into higher dimensions and see what is happening overall with the ascension process of mankind, this whole mass awakening that is occurring on this planet at this time. Pretty cool, eh?
In any event, in her most recent update on August 22, 2009, she talks about the shifting of lightworkers’ roles on this planet, the energetic shifts we experience associated with these changes, changes in our finances, and so on. I’d definitely recommend reading her article if you’re curious as it helps put our energetic fluctuations within a larger context, giving us some validation that no nothing’s going wrong and no there’s nothing broken that needs to be fixed. These are the natural ebbs and flows of life.
As for me, I’m spending a lot of time just being quiet. Not really hanging out with people. Even the meetings I do schedule *just so happen to* (conveniently enough) wind up falling through. Over and over again. You’ll notice the decreased frequency in posts that are showing up here recently.
We could say that whatever you want for yourself give to another. Since we are all one, by virtue of creating it for someone else, you open yourself up to the flow of that energy within yourself. You are essentially being the source. That’s all well and good, but right now I prefer to simply just be still and relaxed, peaceful and at rest. Feels like, to some degree, a time to return to the source within.
What’s up with you guys? Is anyone experiencing anything similar?
There’s a couple things that I’m finding just aren’t satisfying anymore. In my experience, these don’t bring happiness. Not really…
- Having had glimpses of my true nature in the past
- Thinking I’m somehow special or part of an elite club because of this
- Converting a fresh living truth into a mental belief system of “It is all One. This is it. God is everything and nothing.”
- Clinging to my new beliefs, whether realized directly or heard from another, as if holding on to the feeling of “I got it and now I know” will be satisfying
- Getting angry at others who are doing the same sort of thing (haaaa, projection!)
- Not only knowing the truth, but needing to be right about it
- Trying to get enlightened
- Trying to force myself to stop the impulse towards more more more
- Thinking that happiness will come in the future, not necessarily through the world, but perhaps in some lasting grand spiritual experience
- Needing happiness to have a cause. If there is a cause, there can also be an ending to my happiness.
I’m not really buying into the notion anymore that there is something out there, even something called enlightenment, that’ll make me happy. There’s nothing I can attain or experience that will give me lasting happiness. This seems to be simply a delusion of mind.
This has been experienced several times before, and each time it led to a period of depression. You know, “nothing makes me happy! Oh noes! Now what am I gonna do!?” That whole bit.
But as usual, it seems to be a falling away of more mind, a recognition of the false as false, and an opening for what’s true to arise into conscious awareness.
There is also a desire to seem smart, to know ahead of time what I’m experiencing and where I’m going, to be able to put an experience or transition into a larger context so I don’t feel so lost or threatened. This desire to know is based out of fear. It’s a form of self-protection. It’s the idea of “As long as I know where I’m going and as long as I know where I’m going is safe, then I’ll allow myself to go. But I don’t trust the unknown fully as it is. I don’t trust the mystery. I won’t allow myself to fall 100% into the abyss of nothingness. I won’t allow myself to totally lose myself.” This desire to be smart and to know… it’s just another form of fear.
hm, so yeah, just venting a bit, allowing this energy to arise and be released. A way for the false to be seen as false more directly, rather than just a floating blob of thought energy.
More to surrender… 
See that shark floating in the sky? It’s not real. Nothing in this world is real. Not literally.
When you close your eyes and visualize something in your imagination, is what you see real? Depends on how you define real, I suppose. What arises in your imagination is 100% just as real as what arises in physical reality.
Is it any wonder why your body physiologically responds the same, whether you have an experience in real life physical reality or whether you simply close your eyes and visualize?
Everything I look at in physical reality seems to have about the same solidity as wisps of smoke, about the same literal “reality” as uniquely shaped clouds that my mind thinks look like cats or dogs.
If a cloud changes form, who cares? Why panic? If it disappears or reappears, what does it matter?
What we appear to be is a fleeting shadow, a distorted and fragmentary reflection of what we all are when we no longer assume that we are that phenomenal appearance.
-Wei Wu Wei
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Something that seems to be developing over the last week or so is the progressive shutting down of the mind. Not that it’s somehow damaged and broken, but it seems trying to access thoughts and memories feels a lot like trying to crank an engine that just won’t start. There’s the attempted whirring of the engine, but this mind just doesn’t work the old way anymore.
I was at an event today and we were supposed to think of a memory that shaped our lives, and I just couldn’t get this mind to think of anything. (Assuming the “me” is the personality, I guess…)
Anyways, you know all those grudges and resentments that we carry around? Those are all falling away on their own. (Thank God.. heh)
But it’s not just the “bad” stuff that’s falling away. The “good” things are going too, though there’s no attachment to them as if I’ll somehow be less without my old good memories. They’re all just dropping away too.
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The way that social interactions are experienced seem to change significantly when one comes from this place of this one non-thing. Let’s reflect on some of the more prominent changes that occur, some of the fruits of oneness, if you will.
I used to think Enlightenment was one single event, like winning a billion dollars where once you “get there,” you’re set for life. For some people there is a single awakening that totally changes everything, sure, but that spark is part of a much deeper and eternal journey. In my experience, ascension is very much a continuous process filled with countless changes. You never get to the end of infinity. 
There’s SO much more to this process than just recognizing we’re all one, that you are God, that separation doesn’t really exist, and so on. That stuff is bang on, but it’s just the foundation. Enlightenment 101, if you will.
About two months ago I was intuitively guided to the bookstore, walked right up to a particular book, plucked it right off the shelf, sat down and began reading. I bought it that evening. Ever since then the book has been sitting on my nightstand next to my bed and I read it whenever I feel inspired to. It’s literally as if this book was written by a wiser and more experienced version of me, narrating my ascension process, and explaining to me what is going on with respect to all these internal shifts. It’s almost like I wrote this book several years in the future and brought it back in time with me to explain to myself what’s going on. 
It fills in soooo many of the gaps for me about what’s going on here beyond simply resting as awareness.
This book is called Oneness, a dialogue received and transcribed by the author, Rasha.
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Photo courtesy & © Gary Crabbe / Enlightened Images; used with permission.
Now as you guys probably know, my awakening is occurring with many glimpses and whatnot. There’s a whole bunch of non-abiding awakenings. For a while my mind said it was b/c I kept doing something wrong.. yet I’m starting to see what a tremendous gift this is.
For example, in an post that forum member Lee started on Transparency, I shared how my sense of transparency was temporary. Lee has shared her abiding experience as well, and I invite you to check out her explanation too.
The cool thing about these repeated non-abiding awakenings is that without a sense of false self, I get to watch it try to be created again and again and see exactly how the “me” gets hooked right back into existence.
It’s literally getting watch creation happen right before my eyes.
It’s like watching a sports play on instant replay again and again and seeing what I missed the first couple of times.
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So in my previous post, I mentioned the willingness to cry, and today actually brought me to tears… tears of joy.
I was walking around the mall today feeling incredibly vulnerable. Just open and unprotected, willing to live without the protective walls around my heart, without trying to cover myself up with a fake “ideal” happy face or anything. Just being totally authentic and vulnerable.
As my friend Davidya perfectly describes it, it’s the feeling of the crusts of the heart falling away.
Divine Love
This Love that is revealed, this unconditional love, it’s literally not human. It’s not an emotion. It’s more spirit than anything, totally impersonal. They call it Christ Love, Divine Love… I feel my presence literally more as love and light than as dense physicality, my whole body just glowing and radiating light. (I was always wondering why people kept talking about “love and light.” Now I know… That statement is now finally grounded in experience for me and so it doesn’t sound as “airy fairy” anymore…) 
It’s like you look and you see ONLY Love. The mind may look at people and see man or woman, attractive or unattractive, but none of that is really focused upon or even all that relevant. Instead there’s just this deepening on love from within. This love doesn’t take into account any conditions whatsoever or any ideas about a person. It just loves without condition.
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