A little while ago fellow blogger Tom Stine wrote a post on being half-awake. I loved what he had to share and felt a resonance simmering within me, but wasn’t inspired to write anything here until now. It wasn’t until CaterpillarWoman mentioned the words “half-awake” in the comments of the previous post that I realized what had happened, almost in retrospect actually. It was so simple and clear and relaxed that I didn’t see it coming if there even was an “it” that came or happened. It’s different from the previous satoris and realizations that have occurred here before. This is almost a non-realization, a non-experience, a just pure being, free of obligation and necessity, the freedom to just be, without the shields and protective guards that have served me in countless lifetimes. The experiences themselves (if I could even point to any, I dunno, don’t seem to be all that relevant.) In fact, it’s not about an experience at all. It’s just this moment. How cliché, sure, but here we are!
Now this half-awake… thing… is different from being fully awake. It’s not as penetratingly deep. It’s also not the same as being fully asleep. It’s somewhere in no-man’s land and yet it’s a peaceful enjoyment/celebration/appreciation for this moment right here and now.
So today is 11-11 and there’s been lots of chatter lately about ascension, the relevance of this date in relationship to 2012, and so on.
For example, I’ve read things like this regarding the date:
This Wednesday, November 11, 2009 11:11:11 The number eleven is a gateway: a parallel time construct that allows you to leave the confines of this matrix reality, absorb, and experience new energy and information from other dimensions. Elevens are keys that can unlock subconscious thought structures and free you from their dictating confining powers.
Great. Cool. So I decided it would be cool to meditate through the transition in time, so I sat down a little bit before 11:11 am, closed my eyes, and allowed whatever was going to happen to happen. Basically surrendering control and observing whatever arises, having no clue what *should* happen, if anything at all.
What I noticed in myself during the transition was a tremendous sense of lightness, as if clamps of weight had been released and I felt much lighter, as if the shackles of some old world no longer tied me down and kept me bound to that way of being. I felt free, able to move in any direction easily without those old and familiar limitations. It was a lot like taking off a weight vest and losing a tremendous sense of density and physicality.
What are you guys experiencing today? Any changes or shifts?
If you have any videos or information regarding this 11-11 stuff, feel free to share that information down in the comments area!
So I’ve been doing a lot of letting go of my sense of obligation towards teaching. Some of this transition has been previously discussed, but I’ve been doing a lot of exploration on in the area and I’ve noticed that there was some energy of “People really need to hear what I have to say. It’s important that people wake up and that I am here to play my part. They need me. The best thing I can do for others is to share with them my truths (whatever they are) so that they can wake up ASAP. Don’t be fully yourself, but the version of you that I think you should be.”
haha wow, so there. I said it.
Although I would prefer not to admit to this, there was some invalidation of where you guys are and an attempt to “help” you see what I see, as if my perspective is better than yours. Ah, yet another layer to let go of, of being some sort of savior.
A lot of that has been dropping away and now more and more I find myself appreciating each and every person just as they are, wherever they are, no matter what their perspective, understanding, or level of consciousness is. Be whoever you are. I’m not here to fix you, change you, improve you, or teach you. I’d rather just love you as you are. That’s enough for me now. Read More …
Today I had the absolute pleasure of speaking with spiritual teacher and intuitive healer, Matt Kahn. The two of us have been checking out each others’ work on facebook and occasionally speaking online, but it wasn’t until today that we got together and really talked. He’s been getting these intuitive nudges to speak with me, (Thank you, Julie!!) and our discussion was nothing short of AMAZING. We spoke over the phone for about an hour (Edit: Not 2 1/2 hours. I was wrong… time really flies!) while he compassionately guided me beyond my current sticking points, showed me exactly what I was unable to see, and intuitively brought up ideas and insights that were exactly what I needed to hear when I needed to hear them. It was quite literally as if each topic, each sentence, and each WORD was custom tailored to my particular regarding awakening, much deeper than the generic “Who’s the one who’s asking the question? Just surrender. Be still. Observe it.” You know, the typical stuff that we Advaita-heads like to say.
For example, I’ve been pretty into the whole non-dual, no self, awareness is aware… thing. He came in out of left field and recontextualized all of that. It’s not that he invalidated it by any means, but rather I’d been so focused upon that that I couldn’t see my way out. It had become so much my spiritual dogma (not exactly, but I can’t think of a better word) that it was actually becoming a hindrance to moving on. Everything that we pick up we must eventually let go of. If you ARE a guy, do you need to run around telling everyone that you’re a guy? No, of course not. It’s clear. You just live it. Plain and simple. Similarly, the Truth is ultimately what you ARE, not what you say.
“You are not the one who speaks the truth, you are the truth that speaks.”
-Matt Kahn
See, even when we experience something directly, it’s easy for the mind to subtly turn that into a teaching or a belief system and say, “Ah, THIS is the Truth! Look at all these quotes by enlightened gurus talking about this and that! They know what’s up too! This MUST be the correct perception of Reality!” Is that really so different than evangelical Bible thumpers who claim their words are “the right” words? Rather than allowing the teachings to simply be a confirmation of the Truth of what you ARE, they become a substitute for it and what we cling to. It’s the classic case of, “The finger pointing to the moon is not the moon,” example #346.
I would love to share with you what we talked about as well as my experience in the discussion. We discussed a TON, and not in an overwhelming sense, but in an abundant and full and complete way. However, when I started writing this stuff out, I quickly realized that it’d be like 18 million pages long, soooo I’d rather not…
Instead, lemme give you guys a taste of some of the amazing topics we discussed:
There’s Confucianism, and then Confusionism, a word I’m completely making up. It seems that we may go through a repeated cycle of clarity, confusion, clarity, confusion, clarity, confusion… The confusion is not a problem, per se. It’s simply a symptom that some of your previous held beliefs about the world are not holding up in the face of reality. Reality is showing you straight up that part of your belief system is off target and so the mind doesn’t know what to make of it. The mind is sitting here looking at two different “realities” and there’s a discord between the two which we register as confusion.
This is wonderful though, as funky and uncomfortable as the intermediary confusion itself may be. See, it’s part of the progressive stripping away of illusion and misperception, revealing a greater degree of clarity and truth.
The confusion may seem so cloudy and dense at certain points that it seems like absolutely nothing makes sense. So be it. It’s a wonderful opportunity to surrender into the veil and not try to dig your way back out with your mind via analysis, rationalization, and understanding. Just be with what is, as it is.
Recommended Links
I recently stumbled across an article of 51 Symptoms of Spiritual Awakening which also includes what to do should you experience the various symptoms. I’ve found this list to be incredibly handy.
Also there’s a wonderful ~90 min. satsang by Adyashanti on the topic of surrender. It’s quite possibly one of the best talks I’ve ever listened to. Cassie from the forums shared it with us. If you click on the link, it’s ID #111. Check it out. I highly recommend it!
This spiritual pathway can be very much like a roller coaster. There are highs and lows that happen against the backdrop of being, and they can be pretty intense. I often share some of mydarkexperienceshere on this site. The past few days have been like that again. Big emotional upheaval, anger, rage, confusion, ego, and the fear of backsliding into unconsciousness. Y’know… that whole bit…
Funny to see the latest WINGS post be in alignment with what’s being experienced here. People talk about the mercury retrograde and whatnot. I have no idea what that stuff means, but it seems like a lot of that fits. Neat-o.
Anyways, regarding the dark stuff, one interesting to see is that it’s like a part of you burns up within. It’s like a mini-death, a release of old energy that is no longer you nor in harmony with your new vibration. We can think of it as an emotional storm, or a fire burning within. It feels like a part of you (quite literally) burns up in the process.
But what’s left after any big forest fire? Fresh, live, nutrient-rich soil. (The past few times I’ve written that line, I’ve “accidentally” typed the word “soul” instead of “soil.” hehe.) It’s a perfect place to start anew.
In this way, it’s like a sort of rebirth. Part of you literally dies and the part of you which can neither die nor be (re)born shines that much more clearly.
After the fire there’s a feeling of increased freedom, but cling not to this experience for it, like every other experience we can have, will pass. Enjoy it, but don’t get attached. There’ll probably be more storms to come. More darkness to face later. More inner nooks and crannies of fear to heal and transmute back into light.
The quotes from that video come from the book Oneness.
Also, this Adyashanti article helped me return back to the direct experience of who I truly am. Perhaps some of you will find them helpful as well.
In any event, hi.
It’s pretty nice to no longer feel like I have the IQ and clarity of a slug in the mud. It’s quite wonderful to feel open, relaxed, and free. Yes it is… It’s so.. natural.
What have you guys found to be helpful when you’re caught in the midst of the fire within? How do you relate to it? What do you find afterwards when the fire subsides?
When our bodies get sick, perhaps we catch a cold, get the flu, or run a fever, what are some of the symptoms? Runny nose, high temperature, etc. These symptoms are not actually a problem, as uncomfortable as they may be. They are the body’s way of ridding itself of the crud. It’s part of a sort of detoxification purging process. It’s not comfortable. It’s not pleasant. But it is necessary to release the previously collected junk.
Trying to stop the symptoms actually inhibits the healing. Allowing them to do what they need to do allows for the greatest possible speed in flushing through and out of your system.
Similarly, when you stop eating a familiar food or drinking a familiar drink, the body may crave that food or drink for a little while and you may experience a sense of withdrawl, a sense that something that used to be a part of “your energy” is now missing. It feels like something is lacking, in a sense, and we all know how “off” the feeling of lack can be.
It seems that we can go through the same sort of thing emotional, mentally, physically, spiritually, and energetically.
One thing I’m noticing now is that I’m energetically detoxing within and without.
Within, there’s a lot of negative emotional energy that’s arising. To be honest, I’m not in the greatest of moods and I’m not all that pleasant to be around right now. I actually avoid socializing and being around people right now. It doesn’t feel like what my energy needs. There’s lots of painbody stuff coming up to be made aware of and flushed out.
Without, I’m getting rid of some people in my life. I’ve been pretty open with who I hang out with in real life, as well as who I hang out with on facebook and twitter. There’s this idea I’ve held that since everything is love and light, everything’s okay. All is well. This is true and yet nevertheless, I am finding toxic and draining people in my environment. People who cling, complain, argue, and otherwise bring down the overall vibe, you’re gone. It’s nothing personal. It doesn’t mean I stop loving you. It’s simply setting boundaries and saying no, this energy is no longer welcome as a manifest energy in my presence. I choose to be a manifestation of love and light, as purely as possible. Everything may be love and light, yes, but in terms of physical reality, some manifestations are more purely and clearly expressions of Source than others. Anything inside of me or outside of me that is not a match to the purity of essence, it’s time to let that go. It is necessary in order for me to continue progressing. I can’t hold onto the lower rungs of the ladder anymore, trying to pull them up as I ascend.
There was some energy of “If I let these suffering people into my life, hopefully I can uplift them and be a positive influence in their lives.” It was somewhat of wanting to be a savior. It’s fine to serve and uplift, certainly, but not at the cost of my own well-being. If I’m drained, I can be of service neither to you nor myself.
With all this is going on, I feel parts of my body heating up, as if the kundalini is pushing its way up my spine, hitting a block in a particular chakra, and setting the chakra on fire. It’s like kundalini burns through this energetic presence, torching any resistance that gets in its way. It’s certainly not the most pleasant experience. It is ultimately a movement towards greater expressions of love and freedom, yes, but the roasting of old energy in the process can make one feel pretty insane, especially when it’s resisted and/or judged. Like what in the world is going on with me? This is so not who I know myself to be.
Surrender Surrender Surrender. Forgive. Allow. Let go. Aim for the Love, do your best, and just let go altogether, honoring your humanity as you stumble along the way. Like any marksman, sometimes we hit the mark better than otherwise. Learn from your mistakes, reload, aim, and fire again, hoping to get closer to the mark this next go around. Such is life.
The whole thing about being a loving person… it doesn’t seem like it’s somewhere we finally arrive and then we’re set for life. Like we do something and finally get a medal with “loving person” written on it. It’s more of a way of life, a continued way of being in the world, the sea in which we swim. It’s not about finally getting there and being done with it, but being there and remaining there as you do whatever it is that you do.
Okay, so I feel like I’m going a little crazy now.
Some of what I’m gonna write about here I’ve written posts about but didn’t feel like publishing them, so I’m gonna make one big mish mash of a post.
Let’s hit the highlights.
My body quite literally feels like this image, and around it is nothing. Pure void.
The past week and a half or so, my third eye has been opening about 8-10 times per day, minimum. I’ve been seeing how to bring heaven down to earth, among other things. Many projects and people have been drawing into my life.
Right now as I write this I feel the back of my third eye opening. This is new.
Various chakras light up throughout the day. Usually the heart. Sometimes the solar plexus. Sometimes sacral, root, crown. A lot of heart and a lot of third eye. Not so much throat.
At times it feels like this body is being breathed with energy, particularly when I go into intense surrender. The energy pulses in and out in waves, releasing repressed sadness as tears.
It’s 9/9/9. I’m watching the movie “The Nines” after Jonas’ recommendation on facebook. Perfect recommendation. Thank you Jonas. My life is a lot like this in many ways.
I literally feel like I’m in a dream world. Everything I see is no more real than my night dreams, visualizations, or day dreams. For real…
One of my first youtube videos was about the collapse of space and recognizing that everything is here. Space is something I haven’t experienced for months now. I got how everything was Here, but I couldn’t quite grasp how everything is Now. I see this now and have lost my experience of time altogether. 5 minutes feels identical to 5 hours. Identical. For the past 4-5 days or so, I’ve discovered that I no longer experience time. It’s very natural actually, as if time is just another layer of illusion on top of Reality. It doesn’t feel like anything important is lacking, any more than how you’d feel something important (the experience of time) is lacking when you’re doing something you love and time flies. In awareness, there is no time. This is something I’d like to go into more depth on later.
Things I think about keep manifesting. It’s getting pretty ridiculous. Not only has synchronicity been cranked way up lately, but manifestations are much more vivid and powerful. Manifestation literally doesn’t take time. As time collapses, manifestation happens much more quickly.
It feels like I’m being given much more power in this dream world. Before I could tell myself that maybe I wasn’t actually creating everything in my reality. Now it’s practically impossible to buy that thought. The buffer or delay between thought energy arising and resultant manifestation is obvious.
People talk about how what you think about you bring about or how the world is your mirror. This is all so obvious. It’s all ONE. Of COURSE this happens! Your energy manifests in the world because there is nothing BUT your energy. Thus there is no other possibility!
It’s literally impossible for anything to go wrong. There are no mistakes. There are no accidents. Everything is divinely guided, beautifully orchestrated. Seeing that nothing can go wrong, guilt and shame drop away, as does the need to apologize. All of those presume that something can go wrong. This is not true. From the perspective of ego, sure. From the perspective of This, not at all. Whether or not what happens happens in the highest good, ahhh, now that’s another question. Everything is intentional, but not necessarily intended in alignment with the highest good.
What is Here is not just a living manifestation of the Divine. What is Here is also God Unmanifest. Some call this Source. Both are Here as One, yet what you see in the domain of the physical, not just “me” but throughout the totality of the Universe is what I AM in living manifestation.
Deeper and deeper, it’s like more surrender, sitting back as awareness and allowing what is to be.
It’s not all comfortable, really. It’s not superbliss or ecstasy or anything. It feels more like a continual purging of toxicity, as if this body and nervous system are being stepped up to a higher level.
There are breaks, pauses. This all happens in waves. In sections. Bit by bit. It’s somewhat cyclical. Sometimes I feel nothing. Something it’s very intense. Even during the intense moments it cycles in intensity.
There’s really nothing to do but sit back as awareness and allow this energy to do what it may, to be, to allow, to witness this change from the vantagepoint of the unchanging.
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Today I had the absolute pleasure of speaking with spiritual teacher and intuitive healer, 
and our discussion was nothing short of AMAZING. We spoke over the phone for about an hour (Edit: Not 2 1/2 hours. I was wrong… time really flies!) while he compassionately guided me beyond my current sticking points, showed me exactly what I was unable to see, and intuitively brought up ideas and insights that were exactly what I needed to hear when I needed to hear them. It was quite literally as if each topic, each sentence, and each WORD was custom tailored to my particular regarding awakening, much deeper than the generic “Who’s the one who’s asking the question? Just surrender. Be still. Observe it.” You know, the typical stuff that we Advaita-heads like to say. 
When our bodies get sick, perhaps we catch a cold, get the flu, or run a fever, what are some of the symptoms? Runny nose, high temperature, etc. These symptoms are not actually a problem, as uncomfortable as they may be. They are the body’s way of ridding itself of the crud. It’s part of a sort of detoxification purging process. It’s not comfortable. It’s not pleasant. But it is necessary to release the previously collected junk.
Okay, so I feel like I’m going a little crazy now.
