Posts Tagged ‘Personal Experiences’
Okay, so let’s get into the nitty gritty of awakening for a bit. To be honest, there’s been quite a bit of struggle arising here, wanting desperately to return to the experience of wholeness, of unity, of the lack of lack, of the conscious recognition of what I am. One of the main issues about the human condition is the sense of lack within. We can talk about that void that people try to fill with food, sex, experiences, physical possessions, and so on. On a deep deep level, it feels like something’s missing and people will do whatever it takes to fill that void. From the perception of a separate self, I myself am not sufficient and thus I need something other than me to fill this gaping hole within me… but nothing I get is ever sufficient. If it does feel sufficient, it’s only temporary. Like a drug addict, I always need another fix. I always need more…
Now there’s a really weird experience that can arise after an initial non-abiding awakening. Basically what happens is that you KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that the egoic self is not you, that your thoughts have no reality, and that there is literally no such thing as a separate self, and yet simultaneously for some reason you continue to believe in and experience a separate self. You experience living life as a “me.” It can create a tremendous amount of conflict within, as if something has gone terribly wrong. You believe something and don’t believe something simultaneously. It’s really crazy to really experience both at the same time…
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Okay, first of all a HUGE THANK YOU to everyone who donated the past few days. I am tremendously grateful to each and every one of you and I’d like you to know that yes, your gift makes a big difference. Not only that, it’s been really cool to hear some of the stories that have come forth after donating. For example, one reader/friend donated to me and also wanted to get a new pair of dance shoes. She then shared with me that the very next day, her dance teacher flat out gave her exactly the dance shoes she wanted and wouldn’t let her pay for them. Get this… the cost of the dance shoes was exactly the amount she’d donated! It’s really cool to see this flow of giving and receiving, how it works in both directions, and it’s on this note that I’d like to begin this post.
It seems like a big part of “being in the flow” is not only being open to receiving abundant blessings from the universe, from other people, and from every which way, but also being open to give what you have to offer. It’s important for both ends of the giving/receiving pipe be open for the best experience of flow. Now by giving, this doesn’t necessarily imply giving physical stuff like money or your possessions, although that’s certainly just as much a part of it as anything else. Less tangible things like a helping hand, a kind smile, an encouraging word, or even your time… these things can all be HUGE gifts… It seems like the greatest gift you can give is the gift of yourself in whatever form you show up. I don’t mean to make this sound like “I’m all that” or “I’m God’s gift to humanity” in an egotistical sense or any of that nonsense, but it seems like when you just naturally show up and shine your light, that seems to impact people more than anything you could possibly do by trying to give for whatever reason. It’s pretty surprising to me still to see over and over that life, for whatever reason, simply works best when I just give up trying to manifest this or make that happen or get this person to respond that way or any of that effort-based stuff… When I say “enough already” and just be myself and enjoy and appreciate what I already DO have, life is FAR more enjoyable, new things and people show up much more easily, and everything just works BETTER.
Since I’m enjoying just being myself more and more these days as opposed to trying to deliberately play the role of teacher or student as if this was all so serious :lol , let’s have a little fun here. Let’s tell a little story today… and since we’re playing like children, let’s make this story like a picture book. How ’bout that? 
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So I’ve been on the road about 5 weeks now, driven over 4600 miles, and have been living life in experimentation mode by applying various principles I’ve come to know and seeing how well they really work in this whole “real life” thing. I’ve made amazing friends partying at Mardi Gras, photographed a cheer and dance competition in Texas, skied in New Mexico, camped along the Rio Grande, hiked down into the Grand Canyon, had an ostrich bite my camera, been homeless in Colorado, discovered how every state has is very own distinct vibe, experienced the most ridiculous and consistent degrees of synchronicity, met amazing friends all over the country, had the universe repeatedly bring me all that I want including exactly the type of weather I want when I want it, been given free food and lodging all over the country… Quite honestly this is the most exciting and simultaneously the most terrifying thing I’ve ever done.
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There’s an old saying that the only thing permanent is impermanence. Our life experience is one of learning better ways to interact with this changing flow.
And yet simultaneously there is this eternal unchanging presence. It seems to be part of neither existence nor nonexistence… It is a manifestation of nothing. It is unmanifest. It is. All that can really be said is that it is. We can go within and tap into this and find that when resting in this place, it’s as if we are home, and I mean really home. In this place there is no longing for anything more, no need to get anything, and truly no sense of lack. There is no separation for there is nothing else to be separate from. All else is just appearance, and yet the appearance is not other than this. In this pure being, all is divinely perfect just as it is, including the appearance of problems and pain, and yet it doesn’t invalidate the negative aspects of Allness. To simply be is itself already completely sufficient. Nothing more is needed.
In this space there is no anxious need for a particular outcome, as if one outcome would somehow lead to more fulfillment than another. It’s interesting… when we release our attachment to the outcome, we find this place of perfect peace that is what it is, independent of outcome. It is a space beyond the mind, transcendent and yet completely grounded, particularly when the lower chakras are open and balanced. It’s as if the physical body is being used as a vessel to bring the peace of heaven down to earth. This peace is expressed through a mind/body organism.
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A little while ago fellow blogger Tom Stine wrote a post on being half-awake. I loved what he had to share and felt a resonance simmering within me, but wasn’t inspired to write anything here until now. It wasn’t until CaterpillarWoman mentioned the words “half-awake” in the comments of the previous post that I realized what had happened, almost in retrospect actually. It was so simple and clear and relaxed that I didn’t see it coming if there even was an “it” that came or happened. It’s different from the previous satoris and realizations that have occurred here before. This is almost a non-realization, a non-experience, a just pure being, free of obligation and necessity, the freedom to just be, without the shields and protective guards that have served me in countless lifetimes. The experiences themselves (if I could even point to any, I dunno, don’t seem to be all that relevant.) In fact, it’s not about an experience at all. It’s just this moment. How cliché, sure, but here we are!
Now this half-awake… thing… is different from being fully awake. It’s not as penetratingly deep. It’s also not the same as being fully asleep. It’s somewhere in no-man’s land and yet it’s a peaceful enjoyment/celebration/appreciation for this moment right here and now.
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So today is 11-11 and there’s been lots of chatter lately about ascension, the relevance of this date in relationship to 2012, and so on.
For example, I’ve read things like this regarding the date:
This Wednesday, November 11, 2009 11:11:11 The number eleven is a gateway: a parallel time construct that allows you to leave the confines of this matrix reality, absorb, and experience new energy and information from other dimensions. Elevens are keys that can unlock subconscious thought structures and free you from their dictating confining powers.
Great. Cool. So I decided it would be cool to meditate through the transition in time, so I sat down a little bit before 11:11 am, closed my eyes, and allowed whatever was going to happen to happen. Basically surrendering control and observing whatever arises, having no clue what *should* happen, if anything at all.
What I noticed in myself during the transition was a tremendous sense of lightness, as if clamps of weight had been released and I felt much lighter, as if the shackles of some old world no longer tied me down and kept me bound to that way of being. I felt free, able to move in any direction easily without those old and familiar limitations. It was a lot like taking off a weight vest and losing a tremendous sense of density and physicality.
What are you guys experiencing today? Any changes or shifts?
If you have any videos or information regarding this 11-11 stuff, feel free to share that information down in the comments area!
Cheers to our waking journey! Weee!! 
Mist Mountain Colors by Marc Adamus
So I’ve been doing a lot of letting go of my sense of obligation towards teaching. Some of this transition has been previously discussed, but I’ve been doing a lot of exploration on in the area and I’ve noticed that there was some energy of “People really need to hear what I have to say. It’s important that people wake up and that I am here to play my part. They need me. The best thing I can do for others is to share with them my truths (whatever they are) so that they can wake up ASAP. Don’t be fully yourself, but the version of you that I think you should be.”
haha wow, so there. I said it. 
Although I would prefer not to admit to this, there was some invalidation of where you guys are and an attempt to “help” you see what I see, as if my perspective is better than yours. Ah, yet another layer to let go of, of being some sort of savior.
A lot of that has been dropping away and now more and more I find myself appreciating each and every person just as they are, wherever they are, no matter what their perspective, understanding, or level of consciousness is. Be whoever you are. I’m not here to fix you, change you, improve you, or teach you. I’d rather just love you as you are. That’s enough for me now. Read More …
Today I had the absolute pleasure of speaking with spiritual teacher and intuitive healer, Matt Kahn. The two of us have been checking out each others’ work on facebook and occasionally speaking online, but it wasn’t until today that we got together and really talked. He’s been getting these intuitive nudges to speak with me, (Thank you, Julie!!) 
and our discussion was nothing short of AMAZING. We spoke over the phone for about an hour (Edit: Not 2 1/2 hours. I was wrong… time really flies!) while he compassionately guided me beyond my current sticking points, showed me exactly what I was unable to see, and intuitively brought up ideas and insights that were exactly what I needed to hear when I needed to hear them. It was quite literally as if each topic, each sentence, and each WORD was custom tailored to my particular regarding awakening, much deeper than the generic “Who’s the one who’s asking the question? Just surrender. Be still. Observe it.” You know, the typical stuff that we Advaita-heads like to say. 
For example, I’ve been pretty into the whole non-dual, no self, awareness is aware… thing. He came in out of left field and recontextualized all of that. It’s not that he invalidated it by any means, but rather I’d been so focused upon that that I couldn’t see my way out. It had become so much my spiritual dogma (not exactly, but I can’t think of a better word) that it was actually becoming a hindrance to moving on. Everything that we pick up we must eventually let go of. If you ARE a guy, do you need to run around telling everyone that you’re a guy? No, of course not. It’s clear. You just live it. Plain and simple. Similarly, the Truth is ultimately what you ARE, not what you say.
“You are not the one who speaks the truth, you are the truth that speaks.”
-Matt Kahn
See, even when we experience something directly, it’s easy for the mind to subtly turn that into a teaching or a belief system and say, “Ah, THIS is the Truth! Look at all these quotes by enlightened gurus talking about this and that! They know what’s up too! This MUST be the correct perception of Reality!” Is that really so different than evangelical Bible thumpers who claim their words are “the right” words? Rather than allowing the teachings to simply be a confirmation of the Truth of what you ARE, they become a substitute for it and what we cling to. It’s the classic case of, “The finger pointing to the moon is not the moon,” example #346.
I would love to share with you what we talked about as well as my experience in the discussion. We discussed a TON, and not in an overwhelming sense, but in an abundant and full and complete way. However, when I started writing this stuff out, I quickly realized that it’d be like 18 million pages long, soooo I’d rather not…
Instead, lemme give you guys a taste of some of the amazing topics we discussed:
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