This is sooooo not what I thought it would be or what I was expecting it to be, this whole awakening thing.
It feels like I’m being wiped out, deleted, cleansed away, the little “me” anyways. I’m not completely done by any stretch of the imagination, but rather right in the midst of the process.
My ability to write is transforming massively and I’m letting go of my identity as a writer… almost as a natural byproduct of what’s happening. The personal self is not deliberately surrendering it away. It is almost being dissolved by a power greater than itself.
I’ve read lots of books on spirituality and accumulated an abundance of intellectual knowledge. I can tell you all about wonderful spiritual theory and sound really smart and well-versed, like a student who’s studied intensely for a test. 
But now, all of that accumulated “stuff” is being lovingly cast aside as the emptiness is being progressively revealed and rested in. It feels like the source of my writings is changing. Rather than my writings being primarily collected understandings and interpretations of spirituality, there no longer really is a writer that I could point to… not really.
The writer is the Self itself, writing about itSelf to itSelf for no other reason to be conscious of itSelf and to help awaken more of itSelf to itSelf.
The direct experience of the Self so unbelievably overshadows any intellectual understandings that the latter simply pales in comparison.
It’s like no longer desperately clinging to the light of a tiny candle when you realize you ARE the sun.
I keep going in and out of awakening, experiencing non-abiding awakenings. It’s like repeatedly being temporarily enlightened, but it doesn’t stick. Fortunately I don’t “fall back” as far every time, so maybe I’m getting a little better at this or something… 
What’s most fascinating about this is that through lots of trial and error, I’m getting good at detecting exactly what the differences are between the two states and what the pitfalls are that pull me out of the awakened state.
Here are the 4 key elements I can point to that draw “me” out of awakening, or more accurately recreate a false sense of self:
A question that seems to be popping up lately from many directions is basically this in one form or another:
How can everything possibly be perfect? What about the homeless, rape, child molestation, murder, torture, mental illness, world hunger, suicide, war… these things are horrible! Just look at life as we know it. It’s full of suffering! How could any God design a world that includes all these horrific things and then call that perfect?
What an outstanding question, isn’t it? I love this question because it’s really taking no crap and it’s not buying into the lovey dovey perspective that life is all wonderful, full of rainbows and hearts, clovers and blue moons! It’s a very practical and pragmatic perspective.
Let’s get down to brass tacks. I hope you brought your brass tacks!
A transformation is happening again. It seems to be slower and more deliberate this time, like a bulldozer that’s wiping out all sense of “me.”
Previously there were glimpses into my true nature, but the mind was still quite active and so it was very easy, and almost desirable actually due to habit and familiarity, to recreate a sense of “me” out of the nothingness, a false sense of self who was experiencing all this stuff.
What’s happening now is more of an unfolding process it seems. Because the mind is quieter, there’s not much thought left with which to recreate a self. Thoughts arise, but they are brushed off instantly and automatically. It’s like they don’t stick to anything. There is the ability to think thoughts deliberately, but it’s actually quite challenging and not a pleasurable experience at all. Even if thoughts were thunk (is that a word?), there’s not really much ability to actually believe in the thoughts anymore anyways. They’re just thoughts that arise.
The body is somehow still operating just fine. It can brush its teeth, turn on a tv, get something to eat, and so on, but I have no idea how this happens. When something is looked at such as my face in the mirror, the tv, or food, it just is what it is. The appropriate labels and concepts are hard to conjure up into the conscious mind, and even when they are, they aren’t very meaningful or helpful anyways. The body simply seems to just know what to do and how to interact with the world. It’s a great mystery.
It’s kinda like when you’re riding a bike. It all just seems to happen. You don’t think to yourself “pedal, foot, turn, handlebars, tire, brakes, other foot.” You don’t think about any of this stuff. It’s not necessary. The body just moves. Yet this is beyond that because even thinking about the “parts” is tough too.
The physical world seems to be just one of beingness. Its expression is an expression of colors and shapes and stillness. You could say there’s movement if you thought about it, but the stillness is the main event, the only event really.
There is a sense of appreciation for having gone through similar experiences before with a talkative mind. Now it is being realized just how valuable it is to have the mind go quiet during this transformation.
It’s not something that’s being forced. It’s just happening seemingly all on its own. Surrender and allowing is the default state of being, if you want to refer to states of being. There is really only beingness itself. Isness. Pure existence.
Looking within, there is no sense of self. There’s a sense of emptiness and spaciousness. It feels like as if there was an egg, a hollow egg inside me. There is this body and emotion and energy swirling about, yet at the very center where “I” should be, there’s nothingness. Just stillness and space.
It’s like there is a home that is alive and active, yet there’s no one home to make it this way. It is simply alive and active because that’s the natural expression of what is in this moment.
A big and critical difference that’s present this time is not trying to hold onto this experience, but allowing whatever is to be. Whether I’m enlightened or unenlightened is totally okay. All options are completely acceptable. There’s no clinging to any experience. There’s just stillness.
What is is always here and so trying to hold onto it is a ridiculous notion anyways.
Total surrender into what is until there’s no one left to do the surrendering. What an irony…
I would like to introduce you all to my wonderful friend Marie Levit.
For those of you familiar with the book series Conversations with God by author Neale Donald Walsch, Marie has the same conversations with God, as does her daughter Lou. Marie’s first book, Healing God, picks up where Neale’s books left off.
For example, for those of you who are familiar with Neale’s book What God Wants, the message is that God needs nothing from us, despite what many religions have told us. Marie’s message adds to this, suggesting that God needs everything from us. A bit more on this God as everything/nothing will be touched on later in this post.
If you’d like to see two sample chapters from her upcoming book Healing God, you can read about What God Desires and God’s Messengers. (At the time of this writing, her book is with the same publishers who printed Conversations with God. It has been approved for publication and I’ll let you guys know when it is available for purchase!)
The main reason I write this post today is because not long ago, Marie realized her Oneness with God and she’s shared her experience. With her permission, I’m going to repost her story here and share it with each and every one of you.
Babies are born without a solid sense of self. The ego gradually develops in them.
For example, you can watch them when they’re still very young and they’ll be lying down watching these hands mysteriously wave around in the air.
Slowly a realization will happen within them. There’s an internal shift that takes place. Gradually they’ll begin to realize, “Oh wait, these hands are actually MY hands. They’re part of ME!” 
It’s not like they heard some adult explain to them that they and their hands are one and now they believe it or that they read some scripture that’s been around for thousands of years. The baby made a revolutionary discovery, an natural and unforced discovery.
Enlightenment is kinda similar. There’s this spontaneous realization that happens when all the people and things and even the empty space around you that you used to look at floating around and think was separate from you, something shifts inside and you realize, “My goodness, that’s all ME!”
Some people call this “grace.”
It may be something difficult for the mind to accept before the realization happens. It can sound as ridiculous as trying to convince yourself the sun is blue. It’s clearly not! Looking around, Oneness makes no sense. Even if we start looking at things from a quantum physics perspective and realize it’s all one single connected energy, it still looks like there’s many separate things in this world from our limited physical perspective.
It isn’t until this internal shift of awakening happens that it becomes stunningly apparent that everything is One and that you are that.
It can certainly help to know this ahead of time because even believing in Oneness has its benefits. The true realization happens on its own anyways when the time is right. Indeed, the fact that you’re hear reading these words shows that you’re well on your way. 
God how I love this ego dissolution.
Tonight I’m going to share yet another personal experience. This isn’t meant to be seen as a goal to shoot for, something to desire, something to achieve, or something to duplicate. The experiences I have will be similar yet different to yours. What you are about to read is simply the natural consequence of spiritual work.
Tonight I was driving my brother and his girlfriend down to the airport. They’re going up to visit her family for the holidays.
While driving, it was noticed that there was a deep sense of inner peace present. Cars would quickly change lanes at the last minute and cut me off, yet there was no reaction in this body whatsoever. No thoughts arose, the heart didn’t skip a beat, breathing didn’t change. The body simply kept driving naturally, peacefully, effortlessly.
Curious, the mind inquired as to why this peace was so unshakable.
There was the realization that no beliefs were being believed in. Nothing was better than anything else. With this cessation of internal conflict, a deep sense of inner peace revealed itself and began expressing itself as outer peace.
Nothing in the world has any control over this peace. In fact, that idea is simply absurd, because the peace arises due to not believing any thought in the first place.
