Still Chasing Happiness… and not finding it

There’s a couple things that I’m finding just aren’t satisfying anymore. In my experience, these don’t bring happiness. Not really…

• Having had glimpses of my true nature in the past
• Thinking I’m somehow special or part of an elite club because of this
• Converting a fresh living truth into a mental belief system of “It is all One. This is it. God is everything and nothing.”
• Clinging to my new beliefs, whether realized directly or heard from another, as if holding on to the feeling of “I got it and now I know” will be satisfying
• Getting angry at others who are doing the same sort of thing (haaaa, projection!)
• Not only knowing the truth, but needing to be right about it
• Trying to get enlightened
• Trying to force myself to stop the impulse towards more more more
• Thinking that happiness will come in the future, not necessarily through the world, but perhaps in some lasting grand spiritual experience
• Needing happiness to have a cause. If there is a cause, there can also be an ending to my happiness.

I’m not really buying into the notion anymore that there is something out there, even something called enlightenment, that’ll make me happy. There’s nothing I can attain or experience that will give me lasting happiness. This seems to be simply a delusion of mind.

This has been experienced several times before, and each time it led to a period of depression. You know, “nothing makes me happy! Oh noes! Now what am I gonna do!?” That whole bit.

But as usual, it seems to be a falling away of more mind, a recognition of the false as false, and an opening for what’s true to arise into conscious awareness.

There is also a desire to seem smart, to know ahead of time what I’m experiencing and where I’m going, to be able to put an experience or transition into a larger context so I don’t feel so lost or threatened. This desire to know is based out of fear. It’s a form of self-protection. It’s the idea of “As long as I know where I’m going and as long as I know where I’m going is safe, then I’ll allow myself to go. But I don’t trust the unknown fully as it is. I don’t trust the mystery. I won’t allow myself to fall 100% into the abyss of nothingness. I won’t allow myself to totally lose myself.” This desire to be smart and to know… it’s just another form of fear.

hm, so yeah, just venting a bit, allowing this energy to arise and be released. A way for the false to be seen as false more directly, rather than just a floating blob of thought energy.

More to surrender…