On Being Half-Awake

A little while ago fellow blogger Tom Stine wrote a post on being half-awake. I loved what he had to share and felt a resonance simmering within me, but wasn’t inspired to write anything here until now. It wasn’t until CaterpillarWoman mentioned the words “half-awake” in the comments of the previous post that I realized what had happened, almost in retrospect actually. It was so simple and clear and relaxed that I didn’t see it coming if there even was an “it” that came or happened. It’s different from the previous satoris and realizations that have occurred here before. This is almost a non-realization, a non-experience, a just pure being, free of obligation and necessity, the freedom to just be, without the shields and protective guards that have served me in countless lifetimes. The experiences themselves (if I could even point to any, I dunno, don’t seem to be all that relevant.) In fact, it’s not about an experience at all. It’s just this moment. How cliché, sure, but here we are!

Now this half-awake… thing… is different from being fully awake. It’s not as penetratingly deep. It’s also not the same as being fully asleep. It’s somewhere in no-man’s land and yet it’s a peaceful enjoyment/celebration/appreciation for this moment right here and now.

No Obligation

I really love what Tom’s latest post has to say on this, about how there’s nothing you have to do with it and no sense of obligation that comes with it. You’d think that maybe there would be, like how could you NOT share this with others??? But it’s simply just about experiencing your light, experiencing yourself. Being yourself, as it turns out, is itself more transformative and helpful than anything you could do. Being in alignment with the light AS the light is already enough. It’s more than enough.

It’s just, “Here I AM.” I Am, Here and Now. This is It. Life continues to unfold and the game continues to be played, sure, but that energy of obligation and necessity to strive to be this or seek to accomplish that, that just keeps falling away more and more. In its place is freedom and joy, the freedom to enjoy the moment without the compulsion that something NEED to happen as a result from this play so that I can finally be satisfied.

Even the necessity to teach is falling away. The enjoyment that comes from the sharing and writing itself, that continues to remain in its own state of purity, but not everything that comes through has that sense of joy and lightness behind it. When it doesn’t, I don’t share it. When it does, its shared freely for its own sake.

Seeing people debate spiritual theory and dogma, it doesn’t seem like it even matters anymore, and part of me is still a little surprised by this to be honest. It’s like you just step out of the game entirely, seeing it for what it is, and perhaps even more importantly, what it isn’t, i.e. a strategy designed specifically to help you wake up NOW.

Directly Experiencing This Moment

My friend Katie Davis posted something on facebook today which was so timely:

Researching philosophy is a postponement strategy of the ego. Hold onto that thought “I.” Where is it? Who is it? Direct noticing leads to spontaneous surrender. Meditation (being) leads to adoration that is innocent, pure love. In the light of Self-Inquiry, realize who “I” truly is.

-Katie Davis, Author, Awake Joy

I’d heard this a bazillion times before. I don’t think I ever got it to the degree that I do now.

There is still some attachment left here to my collected philosophies and so I’m still in the process of letting go of the strings that I have attached to them out of my own free will.

This place of being half-awake, as I leave my old world of beautiful spiritual theory and well-spoken nondual debates, it’s a blessing to find others who are making a similar transition.

This new world is home to the inner guru within, the everpresent and eternal silence. It’s not the home of today’s popular new age and metaphysical teachings, but rather the spaciousness that permeates all teachings and traditions, the presence that is inclusive of all -isms, yet untouched by any.

As Adyashanti said, my secret is silence.