My Recent Experiences in a Dark Night of the Soul

Category Death, Ego, Enlightenment, Surrender

Today I’d like to share with you some of my recent personal experiences and insights.

A few weeks ago, I’ve went down to the depths of egoic death as well as up to awakening into a state of true Oneness. While in both states, the experiences were written down and now I’d like to share them with you, starting first with the dark night of the soul.

A little background as to where “I” was before this experience:

I’d been into spirituality for many years, had read tons of books, did the meditations, various visualization and breathing exercises, chakra balancing, explored different paths, investigated various religious traditions, and so on. I’ve also picked up a relatively well-developed understanding of the nature of the human ego and how it seems to pop in the life that I live, particularly with respect to how it works in resisting reality and creating illusion and separation.

Along the path I’ve experienced a few dark nights of the soul, as well as a state of total awakening, the latter only lasting for maybe a few minutes. Regardless of the limited duration of that experience, to actually EXPERIENCE a temporary state of awakening/enlightenment and to actually see for yourself how absurdly ridiculous this dualistic world of physicality actually is radically changes who you are on a deep, deep level. It is a monumentally transformative experience.

At this point, it feels like “I” am no longer seeking enlightenment. A more accurate description would be that the true “I” is guiding itself back unto itself. Instead of “me” seeking enlightenment, it feels as if I’m being guided back home, like being sucked in by a tractor beam. The main thing for “me” to do now is actually to let go of resisting. The more I can surrender, the more quickly the realization of the Self occurs.

You see, the ego is not so much a noun as it is a verb. The ego is the process of pulling desirable objects and experiences towards it and pushing away undesirable objects and experiences from it. The ego, using thoughts, is basically a push/pull mechanism. It is undone, not by trying to pull in enlightenment or push away the ego, but actually by ceasing the inner push/pull struggle entirely. The ego itself is an illusion. The ego is not a real thing. It is the core illusion that creates more illusion. It is like a shadow. It can not be destroyed with more darkness. It is only by bringing in the light of non-resistance that the emptiness of the shadow is automatically realized to be totally and completely nothing.

So, now that we’ve set the stage as to where I was, let’s move onto what happens next.

Dark Night of the Soul

A few weeks ago, after repeated negation of the validity of the egoic mind, I wound up having a dark night of the soul. In this experience, it felt like I was coming face-to-face with death itself, not physical death, but the death of all I thought I was, even the death of my very soul.

I spent a solid two days in the depths of despair and desperation. It was a complete a total disconnection from Life itself, from God, Reality, and Illusion. It wasn’t like a sense of depression and apathy. It was a feeling of true disconnection from the Source of Life itself.

It truly feels like one has been forsaken by God himself. This describes the situation perfectly.

The experience has been described in various books such as those written by Dr. David Hawkins, as well as the doorways discussed in the book The Way of the Peaceful Warrior, though not in the movie.

From this place, I actually saw through the illusion of linear form. It’s not just some hokey pokey “spiritual truth” that all that we see is an illusion. It finally clicked and my whole reality (or what I thought was reality) has been completely and utterly shattered. Instead of looking at a tree and labeling it as illusion, there was no longer a tree there to even label illusion.

It is like blindly falling backwards into a black hole of the Void. As this experience unfolds, there’s the realization that I don’t know anything. Truly nothing is known. It’s like the rug was completely pulled out from the knower itself. There is not even a me to know anything, just an infinite Hell of nothingness. No connection to God, no Love, no hope for even a me to be saved by anything or anyone. Just death. Death of me.

There was nowhere I could look for Truth now except within. Books, spiritual teachers, enlightened masters, no one. There’s nothing I could rely on anymore that has any value, for none of those things exist in Ultimate Reality.

All that exists is this sense of awareness, a helpless awareness that can do absolutely nothing. It can not Love, do, breathe, think, or speak. It is truly helpless beyond all measure. It is only through God, if there is a God, that anything can even be done. All that can be done is to surrender to God, if one even exists. I truly realized the utter powerlessness of the “me” I used to think was real. It’s not just a nice spiritual truth. It’s really true that there is NOTHING you can do without God.

At this point one arrives at a crossroads:

Surrender to God and accept this living Hell, even if I must remain there for all eternity. Accept what is. OR refuse the go into this space and resist the entire experience. Mentally I knew what was happening, but to allow the destruction of my individuality, my soul, was a monumental decision. Verbally I would keep saying, “God, I surrender this life to you. Thy will be done,” but deep down, I couldn’t totally let go. The closer I got to letting go, the better I’d feel, but I couldn’t manage to walk through the doorway entirely.

After two days in hell, the pain finally abated and I felt uplifted to a state even higher than where I’d been before the dark night. I didn’t manage to fully surrender to God, maybe only 40 or 50%. True surrender requires 100% and not a fraction less.

The ego was noticeably weakened, but it was not transcended.

Nevertheless, the experience brought “me” up to an even higher state of consciousness and the realizations that arose were as follows:

There’s an infinite softness and beauty in all that is.
There’s nothing to know, nor anyone to know it. There is only the experience of God in every moment.
Everything we know, believe, desire, want, and think about is actually a veil covering our eyes to the epic beauty of God.
No words can describe this Reality and there is no one to describe it to. There is only Love.

A sense of peace was present. It wasn’t the ultimate peace of God, but the peace of taking a step higher to the next rung on the ladder. Reality became a little more clear.

In fact, there were more rungs to climb onto and the next rung was reached very quickly thereafter.

To be continued…

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7 Responses to “My Recent Experiences in a Dark Night of the Soul”

Myrko said:

That was an interesting description Ariel. I personally was completely new to real spirituality as I read The Power of Now as the first real book about it. As I bought it, I thought it would be about the now habit, reagarding productivity and effectiveness

Myrkos last blog post..10 Inspirational Quotes by The Buddha

Ariel Bravy Reply:
September 13th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
@Myrko:

Does Tolle talk about dark nights of the soul in The Power of Now? It’s been a while since I’ve read through it…

Either way, it’s nice to be able to read first-hand accounts of what it’s like to be in the midst of it, in the heat of the moment, so to speak.
Jason said:

ariel, i really enjoyed the honest sharing of what seems like quite an intense experience. do you feel there will be a time when “dark nights of the soul” are no longer occurring/an issue?

Ariel Bravy Reply:
September 13th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
@Jason:

Absolutely. There is a point where the ego is essentially totally let go of. Getting there is often times a painful experience, because it’s literally the death of the sense of “me” altogether.

However, even within the higher stages of enlightenment, there are still painful experiences as the body readjusts to higher levels of energy flowing through it.

The Buddha commented that it felt like all his bones were being broken. Jesus sweat blood. So even at higher levels, there are, shall we say… adjustments.

Nevertheless, the idea is to let go of trying to control any of this stuff and to allow it to happen on its own. Surrender control and needing things to happen any which way. Whatever happens happens.

asokanvvr Reply:
November 2nd, 2008 at 10:11 am
Tirvannamalai Experiences:

People who are doing the walking in the eighteen kilometer path around the hillock during the full moon day will have certain spiritual experiences.

One of my friend when he leaves the road for a nature call and steps in the rocks some other field other than the natural one is around him all on a sudden. There is some light without any particular source as if though it is twilight during sun set but the brightness is more than normal. (But the actual time is night eight o clock.) There is a big water tank and around it
there are more than two hundred huts and in the entrance some hermits are doing meditation. One of them signal him to come near and ask him:

CAN YOU BE HERE?

Our friend argues that he is having a mother and three sisters and his father is no more and he will have to look after the family. The hermit says that no body is depending upon anybody. Friend argues that without the permission of parents one must not become a sanyasi. (renouncing the worldly life).(it is the Hindu tradition.) The hermit laughs at him and give some medicine to eat. Friend eats and the field become normal.
Everything disappears and the area is now the original with sand, rocks and thorns. But he cannot find out the main road and wanders for some time.
Suddenly a woodcutter comes in the way and says Oh poor brahmin you must not be here and pushes him away with his sickle. Friend is in the road now. Now the time is early morning four o clock. Nine hours have been passed. Later he approaches a mutt and ask what is this. They
said that you have missed a golden opportunity for enlightenment for which all these people are doing penances for years together but in vain.
One of the manifestation of Lord Siva is woodcutter they told. He is a bank officer and about prayers he is doing the santhya vanthanam (meaning twilight prayer) every day five times without leaving it after his upanayanam (holy ceremony). The year was 1996. Now every month he is going there and do the ritual but the experience is not coming again.

Another friend when goes around the hillock he also leaves the road and goes some fifty foot in the hillocks the same field appears and the hermit asks the same question.

CAN YOU BE HERE ?

Unlike the first friend he is not arguing but due to fear he cries. Everything disappears and he is in the road now. He is a doctor. The year was 2003.

In the cinema Baba actor Rajnikanth describes a similar scene in which a beggar pulls Rajnikanth towards a narrow lane and suddenly a snowy field
appears as if though it is himalayas and Baba sitting under tree asks him:

CAN YOU BE HERE ?

Rajnikanth hesitates and then he gets some seven boons and returns
to his house.

We can come to a conclusion that there are certain extraordinary
spiritual fields in this earth itself. If the individuals are having some boon
they have the vision. But who accepts the offer will not come to his native
world, we presume. If there are any other experiences by readers they can write to me.

asokanvvrs last blog post..Clairvoyance, hallucination and illusion

asokanvvr Reply:
November 2nd, 2008 at 10:16 am
Congratulations. But always careful with all these
experiences. Chances are that you may loose the present living world. So always careful. visit my
blog in zimbio also.

WITH LOVE……….

Clairvoyance, hallucination and illusion

What is the difference between hallucination, illusion and clairvoyance. In all the three, the
individual is having certain visual things beyond the existing real ones.. In hallucination and illusion
the individual will not have any control over them but in clairvoyance it is coming by his
own effort. If one is meditating regularly one can have the capacity to see the future or the things
that are happening away from him. Of course the meditator must be careful in doing his practices
by having the control of a master.

In hallucination and illusion the individual due to his excess pressure on the mind (off course the
brain) by worrying or emotionally disturbing the mind, making it to produce certain toxic chemicals
inside and making the brain out of control. Here the conscious mind is in out of order.

In clairvoyance the individual by his regular practice of meditation or some heavy prayer practices
making the brain to produce some other chemicals, making the pineal gland activated, will get
the capacity to tell the future. Here also the conscious mind is subtle.

When the milk is toned by some curd it will become a good curd. But when the milk is put in
an open place it will become a spoiled one. In curd the bacteria “est” is making the milk to curd.
But in spoiled milk some other bacteria is making it to rot. Both are bacterias but est is a good one
and the other is not so.

Similarly in clairvoyance some good chemicals (say atrophine etc.,)make the brain to have the visuals of the future or the God. But in hallucination some other bad chemicals make the brain disintegrated and stop its normal function.

Even in meditation if it is not done properly it will affect the brain and make him insane.

In Tamil a famous saying is:
chiththarum biththarum onruthan
chiththar and biththar are same.

Chiththar is one who is attained perfection and biththar is one who is mad.

So if you are not careful in doing meditation or prayer you will become a biththar and not a chiththar.

You can see people who are doing excess prayers (beyond a limit) are becoming god mad and roaming
in the temples insane.

asokanvvrs last blog post..Clairvoyance, hallucination and illusion

Ariel Bravy Reply:
November 2nd, 2008 at 1:05 pm
You are definitely correct, asokanvvr, that there is the possibility of going mad such as by the forced awakening of kundalini energy or the blowing open of the third eye, for example. It is critical that we remain grounded while engaging in spiritual activities.

When you say that hallucinations and illusions are not under our control, not volitional, what about intuition? Would that also fall under the category of hallucination according to your definition?

Just because the conscious mind isn’t focused on something in the moment, that doesn’t make it a hallucination when it manifests.

Oh, and this is understanding that it’s ALL an illusion anyways.

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