I Thought I Knew What Unconditional Love Was…

So in my previous post, I mentioned the willingness to cry, and today actually brought me to tears… tears of joy.

I was walking around the mall today feeling incredibly vulnerable. Just open and unprotected, willing to live without the protective walls around my heart, without trying to cover myself up with a fake “ideal” happy face or anything. Just being totally authentic and vulnerable.

As my friend Davidya perfectly describes it, it’s the feeling of the crusts of the heart falling away.

Divine Love

This Love that is revealed, this unconditional love, it’s literally not human. It’s not an emotion. It’s more spirit than anything, totally impersonal. They call it Christ Love, Divine Love… I feel my presence literally more as love and light than as dense physicality, my whole body just glowing and radiating light. (I was always wondering why people kept talking about “love and light.” Now I know… That statement is now finally grounded in experience for me and so it doesn’t sound as “airy fairy” anymore…)

It’s like you look and you see ONLY Love. The mind may look at people and see man or woman, attractive or unattractive, but none of that is really focused upon or even all that relevant. Instead there’s just this deepening on love from within. This love doesn’t take into account any conditions whatsoever or any ideas about a person. It just loves without condition.

Giving To Yourself

I’m giving up on patiently or impatiently waiting for love from any relationship to fulfill me and just allowing myself to go within and be loved. Why wait? The deeper I go into surrender, the more profound the Love I perceive in the world. It’s like a direct 1-to-1 relationship. The more I go within and love, the more I see love outside of me. The world is functioning like a feedback system not subject to time. There’s no lag between within and without. It’s a total immersion in love, as love.

OMG LOVE

I was just relaxing at the Apple Store today listening to some beautiful music and it started to arise again. “Here we go!” I turned around and just started gazing at people in awe. So much wonder and amazement and appreciation.

I’ve noticed the way people respond to me is totally different, too. People are so much more open and welcoming and receptive, to a degree I almost never experience.

There’s still blocks I run across, but every block I find is always something within, a gift of something to bring attention to and dissolve with the presence of awareness itself.

Ups and Downs

This definitely feels like a bit of an rollercoaster-ride and I make a point to share with you guys the ups and the downs, even if that makes me seem moody and emotional at first glance (lol), so that I can give the most honest and complete picture of my spiritual journey possible. There’s more to spirituality than love and peace it seems. Hopefully this’ll clear up any misconceptions that it’s all rainbows and roses. It is decidedly not…

(Maybe it will be for others if that is their path, but for me, that doesn’t seem to be the case. YMMV.)

Regarding this roller coaster experience, here’s an excerpt from an interview with spiritual teacher Dr. Hawkins.

Do they stay [at higher levels after spiritual leaps]? Or do we more likely experience periods of heightened states then return to our “normal, lower” state?

It ebbs and flows. When you’re above your karma — when you bring to the surface what’s holding you back from progressing and you’re able to transcend these things — you feel beatific until the next thing comes up, then you feel like you’ve crashed. You haven’t really crashed. It’s just that you’re not above your karma anymore. You’ve brought up the next layer to be worked on. This means you’re making progress.

When a person is in denial, they may feel happy because nobody is pointing out to them how they’re ruining the lives of everyone around them [laughter]. So you come out of denial, go through the pain of facing what you’re facing, work out the guilt about it and forgive yourself–then life gets beautiful again…until the next thing comes up. This is characteristic of the whole spiritual pathway.

It’s most frequently non-linear?

This is normal, yes. It seems quite chaotic, you know. It’s more like the stock market–up and down. Yes, there are people who get into a happy state and stay there–at least for this lifetime. This is what you’d call a coasting lifetime. You’re satisfied with how you are and where you are. You might say it’s a spiritual rest period. We need periods of recuperation.

Nothing to do but be with whatever arises, high or low. Cling not to any experience or any state, yet appreciate it all.

Go within.

Surrender to what is.

No matter what.